Runaway Rollercoaster

I feel like I been on a wild, runaway, roller coaster ride for the past three years.  I often refer to this as a journey I wish I wasn't on and the runaway roller coaster is certainly not a ride I would ever choose.  But whatever my wishes are, they didn't come through this time.   So that means that I have to deal with making the best of this "journey" and being able to handle the "runaway roller coaster."

When I was first given the option to apply for a trial by Dr Bhoola, I new that it was just that--a trial for research purposes with the hope that it would produce positive results for me and for others in the future.  I was first going to be on one trial, but there were some problems with my blood results that prevented me from qualifying.  That phone call last Tuesday was one of the hardest I have ever had to deal with..  It is probably the first time throughout this journey, that I was ready to give up and just do what was needed to keep the cancer at bay for as long as possible.  It was a fairly rough day for me and I have always worked so hard at being positive.  They say that one is not given more than they can handle.  I was at a point where I was trying to figure out how I could possibly be given any more and still handle things.  

So Tuesday was "pity party day" for me.  I haven't done that often but I was just feeling that this was it as it the ups and downs become overwhelming.   One minute it seems that there is so much to look forward to and the next is just trying to figure out how to deal with everything.

The pity party lasted the whole day and then I moved on.  When I met with the team at Virginia Piper, they had another trial that they thought might be better for me and where the requirements weren't so stringent,   As my wonderful nurse presented it, she said that this company understands that so much of the previous treatments that people have been through can wreak havoc with so much.  For  example, the high blood pressure that I never had that was caused by one of the medications and not by anything but the medications and this company takes that into account.  That was just one example of the many other things that are off in my body because of treatment.  

I went in yesterday for a blood transfusion which is the first time that I have ever had one before,  They were trying to get my hemoglobin up because once again, many of the medications/treatments caused it to be too low.  Fortunately, it took care of that problem.  So I have been accepted.  I still have to have a  scan and a biopsy that could change some things, but they feel confident.  I told the nurse that I never wanted to go through another day like Tuesday with getting my hopes up.  She told me that she never wanted to make a phone call like that again.  I also told her that I did some research on the company and the trial and it appeared to be a better fit for me (at least in my untrained mind I thought that).   She agreed with me and explained that there weren't any openings when I was in earlier in the week because that was the one she thought would work best for me.  So she and her team made a please and a case to the company for them to give me a spot.  And they did.  It was because they cared enough to pursue alternatives and once again, they are a team that understands treating the whole patient. 

I have to get the scan and biopsy done and then I am scheduled for the first treatment on July 16.  I will be in the hospital for 24 hours the first time.  I am back to being positive and I feel that there is always a reason something happens.   I am hoping that the this is another example of that.  However, I also hope that I don't keep getting tested!  

I feel good about this and feel that despite the awful few days, it will work out for the best.  I feel fine and am able to do just about anything.  As a friend said the other day, if she didn't know I was dealing with all of this, she would never even guess that I had any medical issues.  I am able to continue doing the activities that I enjoy and participate to the fullest.  And I feel strongly that this will work out and I will be able to continue living life to the fullest.   I have a wonderfully supportive husband, my family has stepped up to the plate so many times, and I am blessed with wonderful friends  

Here's to "kicking cancer's butt" and showing this ugly disease it picked the wrong person!